Blackout, Anxiety, and News

If you hadn’t noticed, my blog wasn’t online for about a week. This is because I was in the midst of job searching for a position as a personal trainer. It’s something my dad suggested, especially because I do talk about my eating disorder that I recovered from last April. I also share strong opinions about a few other topics that future employers could have judged me on, so I thought it safest to just temporarily take my blog offline. I also did it with my author Facebook page.

I remember the last time that I went job hunting it took me a month to land the current job I’ll be at for probably about 2-3 more weekends. But this time, it only took me a week to find a job!

So, yes, I’m a fitness consultant for Evans Fitness Center Express. In the meantime, I’ll also be shadowing some trainers during my shift, and then once I’ve gotten a good amount of sales experience selling memberships and establishing rapport with the clients and gym, I’ll transition over to personal training. I get a salary plus commission. The manager recommended I start out as a fitness consultant since trainers are only paid by the hour, so it would be a rough start for me.

I’m happy with my choice, at peace with it, essentially. When I started the job hunt, I was filled with a ridiculous amount of anxiety. Would I ever find a job? Am I going to be stuck working minimum wage for the rest of my life? What if my lack of experience dooms me? What if I’m just not meant to be a trainer?

It was a painful week.

I thought I’d be super giddy and happy when I got the job, but this sense of calm passed over me. No more money worries. No more wondering if I’m ever going to find a job. No more feeling uncertain about my future. No more feeling like my mid-20s are supposed to be spent being miserable because the job market isn’t like it was when my parents were my age. My dream job is now a reality.

There’s a song I have in mind. I can’t remember the name of the singer or singer’s band or whatever you want to call it, but the lyrics talk about how the singer wishes he could go back in time to the good old days, when he had nothing to worry about because his mom could make everything better and he wasn’t worrying about student loans.

At first I thought it was stupid. ‘You’re a singer on a mainstream radio,’ I thought. .’What do you know about student loans? What do you have to worry about? You’re probably making bunches of money and have no money worries. And even if you are going to college right now or whatever, I highly doubt you had to take out student loans.’

I then began to understand that it was a song directed toward millennials and millennial struggles. I didn’t feel that struggle until I began to lose hours at my job and then started freaking out about job hunting. Of course, this isn’t a uniquely millennial struggle, but it’s not easy finding even a minimum wage job like it used to be because the job market is so crowded.

Now I’m only speaking STRICTLY about minimum-wage jobs here. All others don’t apply to these bullet points (or they may, but I’m just talking about minimum wage):

• You generally have to apply online, and I have NEVER trusted online applications. I applied to over 40 places back in 2012 and only heard back from two.
• Calling about the status of your job application can be detrimental to your chances of even landing an interview. You would think this would help since it shows your interest in the job.
• The job market is so crowded with people fighting for minimum-wage jobs.
• When you’re applying online, sometimes you have to take those ridiculous personality tests that can kill your chances of even having your application looked at if you don’t pass this test.
• You might have to go through more than one interview to try to land a job that only wants to pay you $7.25 an hour. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth the hassle, but you’ve got to keep chugging along.
• Your hours aren’t always guaranteed, so you may have to pick up another job.
• Hoping to get an interview that you may never get. I once applied to Walmart several times and never, ever heard back from them.
• First impressions are everything. I understand why the interview process can be difficult for minimum-wage jobs, especially because they’re probably interviewing a bunch of people, but sometimes you feel like you should be paid more than minimum wage when you have to go through an interview process that feels like you’re applying for med school.
• Some minimum-wage jobs want you to submit a resume. I submitted one to work at a new McDonald’s that was hiring a bunch of people. Never heard back.
• That overqualified thing? It’s not a myth. I was applying for a job at a Japanese restaurant that I was sure I’d land because I had a friend who worked there and was well-liked by her boss. However, once her boss looked over my resume, she asked my friend why on Earth I was applying when I could get better. I’m not too good for a minimum-wage job. And, no, I couldn’t get better at the time because I didn’t–and still don’t–have a degree. I also didn’t have any special certifications in the past. The only solid experience I had was editing and tutoring, but jobs like that generally require a degree.

But hopefully all that’s over with. I hope I’m going to do well with this job, and in a few months, I’ll be a full-time personal trainer.

Seriously, though, I feel like this job was literally handed to me. I walked into the gym, handed in my resume, the manager took a look over it, and immediately recommended fitness consulting to me. All I had to do was show up a few times to check up on my resume. I didn’t receive a formal interview. I just got the job. And I’m assuming they only had one position open because the head trainer there said they were looking for SOMEONE.

That is a great feeling.

The stress can now be over with.

In other words, three poems of mine are featured in an anthology titled Purple Sparks. You can get it here. It’s a number one new release in poetry anthologies! I really hope you guys will check it out. It’s an anthology complied of poems from survivors of sexual abuse. You can check out the book’s website here.

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Purchase When Stars Die at Amazon, Lulu, Kobo, and Barnes&Noble.

My Writer Confessions

I have several confessions I need to make. About seven of them. Really these confessions are so you can get to know me better–and know that I’m not the author most people dream to be, you know, the one sitting on a beach and sipping chardonnay (which I don’t even like), or buying ten million books at a bookstore, or sipping tea while typing away on a well-groomed desk with lots of inspirational trinkets.

I’m far from someone you want to idolize. At least I think so, anyway.

1. I don’t consider myself a poet. Despite having a poetic writing style and having some poetry published in the future, I just can’t bring myself to attach the “poet” label to my author resume. I guess I can’t do it because I don’t regularly write poetry. I still don’t fully understand poetry, even though my writing style is poetic. The poems that I did write and am having published were only written because poetry was therapeutic for me during my eating disorder struggle. Other than that, I didn’t actively seek publication for them. The only reason they’re even being published is because some people pointed out the places I could submit to, and I subbed to them, because, why not? And, yes, I did manage to get lucky to be accepted by both places, the only places I subbed to.
2. I’m a slow writer. I can do a draft in about a month, and I can even think I can revise in three months, but it’s more like over a year–unless you’re the sequel to When Stars Die. Then it’s half a year.
3. I prefer amusement parks to libraries. I saw this article circulating around my Facebook feed about how libraries are more fun than amusement parks. I’m going to have to shyly raise my hand and admit that I’m an amusement park junkie, and the only time I’m ever going to love a library more than Six Flags is if that library turns into an amusement park with literature-themed rides. Plus, I’d rather own my books–and not have due dates. But I will fight for the continual funding of libraries.
4. I haven’t written a book in a year. You see, I wrote this one book last summer in two weeks, and I seriously thought I’d have it subbed by December of last year. Well, life gets atrociously busy, and I’ve had to put it on hold. I am slowly, SLOWLY trying to copy edit it.
5. I’m not really doing anything with my lit degree. The only useful thing I see my degree doing is getting me paid more when I start out as a personal trainer. Besides being a writer, I don’t really have any desire to do anything else in the writerly/English field. I just want to be an author.
6. I prefer my e-reader. I don’t get the romanticization of books. They’re lovely and all. I did buy a paperback today. But e-readers, for me, are much more convenient. E-books are cheaper. I can read in whatever position I want. I can read on any device where you can download a Kindle app (like reading on my phone at work so that I don’t get caught doing so). My e-reader has a rocking battery life. I can read in the dark without having to turn on a lamp. I can carry an infinite amount of books around with me. And you can adjust the size of the font.
7. I sometimes spend more money on make-up than books. Well, at least lately I’ve been spending more money on make-up than books–particularly nail polish and lipsticks. But, hey, I did buy a book today! And I still have plenty of books on my Kindle to read.

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Interview With Rachel Thompson

After reading Rachel’s book, Broken Pieces, I absolutely had to interview her, especially because her collection inspired a poetry book of mine that is still a work-in-progress. Even though I was not assaulted as a child, many of the feelings I experience(d) are still roughly the same.

1. After reading Broken Places, I would love to know if this book was emotionally taxing for you to write. Was is it therapeutic at times? Triggering at other times?

It was difficult to write for many reasons. My marriage had started to fall apart and I spent a good majority of the time writing late at night, alone in my bed, because we had separated already. Perhaps that lent to the sense of longing in some of the pieces. I do feel writing is always therapeutic for me…for anyone really. Just getting those thoughts out of our head but more, out of our heart, skin, soul, even our bones, sometimes, can lighten us up significantly.

As for triggering? Not really, though it’s interesting, when I wrote ‘Shame’ – I wrote that piece in about five minutes one afternoon and then slept for about three hours. Sleep is my go-to escape, so I know writing that piece definitely affected me deeply. I don’t usually feel triggered easily in general, so when I write, I’m almost in a dissociative state, which is protective to an extent, if that makes sense. When writing nonfiction, memoir especially, you have to be an observer of your own past, your memories, so reaching inside, pulling them out, and examining them makes a writer take a scientific point of view, rather than an emotional one.
2. What made you decide to make this book mixed media, with essays and poetry? Do you think mixed-media books can be successful?

Well, I had written Broken Pieces similarly, and I felt comfortable with the format. To me, it’s how I’ve always expressed my thoughts and so it was a natural progression to create books in this way.
3. Are you still in the process of healing from your trauma? If not, what are you doing to help yourself manage and cope?

It took me a long time to accept that ‘recovery’ was a term I was willing to use to refer to myself and what my process as a survivor is, but I do believe that ultimately, yes, I am still healing. I still have nightmares, flashes, and while I’m rarely triggered by an event or something I read or see, it does and can happen occasionally. I’m pretty tough, but once in awhile, something happens. What non-survivors don’t realize is that those memories/feelings are always right there, just below the surface of everything we do, and we can’t always keep it hidden. Nor should we. To manage and cope, I’m in therapy, I take medication, vitamins, and watch my diet and do yoga. Sleep is always very important for my equilibrium. If I don’t get enough, I grab a nap.
4. Do you plan to write other books similar to Broken Places and Broken Pieces? As a survivor of trauma myself, I feel like I can write collections and collections of poetry and flash fictional pieces revolving around my own trauma.

I am writing Broken People now. That will be the last book in the series about these subjects, and will focus more on the effects of abuse, which I started to discuss in Places, not only mine, but also on those around me. And you should write your stories! We all deserve to tell our stories.
5. As an advocate, what do you ultimately want to do for both survivors of trauma and those who have never been through trauma?

Compassion is always my first hope – that survivors can help and support one another with compassion, and that non-survivors will better understand that it’s not a simple ‘get over it’ kind of thing; that minimizing what others have been through only makes it so much worse. So educating others is another reason I share my story.
6. How long did it take you to write both Broken Pieces and Broken Places?

The writing itself probably takes about six months. If I could do nothing but write, the writing would take much less time! But having a business, being a single mom, and also the director of the Gravity Imprint for Booktrope (my publisher), bringing other people’s stories of trauma and recovery to life, takes up quite a large bit of time. But I love it all!
7. You have other books besides those two ones. Tell readers about them and what inspired you to write them.

I did release two primarily satirical essay books in 2011 – mostly about men, women, and relationships: A Walk In The Snark and Mancode: Exposed (both in eBook and print from Booktrope on Amazon). Mostly I just got tired of my then-husband (we were married for 22 years) not changing the damn toilet paper roll, because, really? It just steamrolled from there.
8. There is so much more to you than being an author. What else do you think are the most important aspects of yourself, be it your love for a certain hobby, your job, or anything else you can think of?

Besides writing, I’m a mom to two amazing kids (a girl, age 15 and a boy, age 9), a businessperson, an advocate for other survivors as well as for mental health issues in general for Stigma Fighters (as well as on their board and the director of Communications), an avid reader, sci-fi movie fan, piano plunker, and terrible cook. I’m pretty sure I’ve summoned demons at this point in the kitchen.
9. What is most important in your life right now?

Besides my children, my writing and my business, along with being the director of the Gravity Imprint for Booktrope – I’m honored they chose me to bring stories of trauma and recovery (fiction and nonfiction) to life, (we have about twenty authors with amazing stories. Our first three books release very soon and I cannot wait!) the advocacy work I do with and for childhood sexual abuse survivors is absolutely incredibly important and fulfilling.
10. What is your ultimate goal for the future?

Keep doing what I do. I love every single day. Maybe a little more sleep.

About the Author

Rachel Thompson is the author of newly released Broken Places (2015 Honorable Mention Winner, San Francisco Book Festival), and the multi award-winning Broken Pieces, as well as two additional humor books, A Walk In The Snark and Mancode: Exposed. Rachel is published and represented by Booktrope. She owns BadRedhead Media, creating effective social media and book marketing campaigns for authors. For affordable group sessions check out Author Social Media Boot Camp, monthly sessions to help all authors! Her articles appear regularly in The Huffington Post, The San Francisco Book Review (BadRedhead Says…), 12Most.com, bitrebels.com, BookPromotion.com, and Self-Publishers Monthly.

Not just an advocate for sexual abuse survivors, Rachel is the creator and founder of the hashtag phenomenon #MondayBlogs and the live Twitter chat, #SexAbuseChat, co-hosted with certified therapist/survivor, Bobbi Parish.

She is also now the director of the Gravity Imprint for Booktrope, bringing stories of trauma and recovery (fiction and nonfiction) to life.

She hates walks in the rain, running out of coffee, and coconut. She lives in California with her family.

Contact Information

Author Site: rachelintheoc.com
BadRedhead Media Site: badredheadmedia.com
Twitter: @RachelintheOC
Twitter (Business): @BadRedheadMedia
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorRachelThompson
Facebook Broken Pieces Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/BrokenPiecesByRachelThompson
Facebook (Business): https://www.facebook.com/BadRedheadMedia
Google+: https://plus.google.com/+RachelThompson/
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/rachelintheoc/
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/rachel-thompson/24/784/b95
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4619475.Rachel_Thompson
Author Newsletter: http://eepurl.com/j9oaH
BadRedhead Media Newsletter: http://eepurl.com/koN8r

Books

For full media information, click here.

Title: The Broken Collection
Genre/Keywords: Non-fiction
Length: 241 pages
Extras: Authorgraph
Publisher: ebook: Booktrope
Release date: ebook: March 24, 2015
ASIN: B00V6WA3TY
Purchase: Amazon

Book Summary:
Award-winning author Rachel Thompson courageously confronts the topics of sexual abuse and suicide, love and healing, in her nonfiction collection: Broken Pieces and Broken Places. In both titles, Rachel bares her soul in essays, poems and prose, addressing life’s most difficult topics with honesty. As you follow one woman’s journey through the dark and into the light, you will find yourself forever changed. Rachel’s first book in this series, Broken Pieces, has been a #1 best seller on Amazon (eBooks) on Women’s Poetry and Abuse. Please note: this book discusses serious topics, and is intended for mature audiences only.

Title: Broken Places
Genre/Keywords: Non-fiction
Length: 124 pages
Extras: Authorgraph
Publisher: ebook: Booktrope * print: Booktrope Editions
Release date: ebook: January 13, 2015 * print: January 12, 2015
ISBN-10: 162015689X
ISBN-13: 978-1620156896
ASIN: B00S7R7BWI
Purchase: Amazon

Book Summary:
Award-winning author Rachel Thompson courageously confronts the topics of sexual abuse and suicide, love and healing, in her second nonfiction book of prose: Broken Places. The sequel to Rachel’s first nonfiction book, Broken Pieces, Rachel bares her soul in essays, poems and prose, addressing life’s most difficult topics with honesty. As you follow one woman’s journey through the dark and into the light, you will find yourself forever changed. Rachel’s first book in this series, Broken Pieces, has been a #1 best seller on Amazon (eBooks) on Women’s Poetry and Abuse. Please note: this book discusses serious topics, and is intended for mature audiences only.

Title: Broken Pieces
Genre/Keywords: Non-fiction
Length: 106 pages
Extras: Free Sample * Authorgraph
Publisher: 1st edition: Rachel Thompson
2nd editon: ebook: Booktrope * print: Booktrope Editions
Release date: 1st edition: ebook: December 19, 2012
2nd edition: ebook: September 23, 2014 * print: December 12, 2013
ISBN-10: 162015160X
ISBN-13: 978-1620151600
ASIN: B00NUU4ABM
Purchase: Amazon * Barnes & Noble

Book Summary:
Broken Pieces is an award winning book about relationships, a study of women, and a book with heart. Vastly different in tone from her previous essay collections A Walk In The Snark and The Mancode: Exposed, Broken Pieces is a collection of pieces inspired by life: love, loss, abuse, trust, grief, and ultimately, love again. While still non-fiction, best-selling Broken Pieces is not humor at all. In Thompson’s most intensive work to date, she opens her soul and invites the reader in for a visit. Thompson goes into those long buried rooms we lock up deep inside and shares a bit of her soul. Broken Pieces is vulnerable, raw honesty, and no-holds barred.

Title: The Mancode: Exposed
Genre/Keywords: Non-fiction
Length: ebook: 129 pages * print: 140 pages
Extras: Free Sample * Authorgraph
Publisher: 1st edition: Rachel Thompson
2nd editon: ebook: Booktrope * print: Booktrope Editions
Release date: 1st edition: November 29, 2011
2nd edition: ebook: January 8, 2015 * print: January 6, 2015
ISBN-10: 1620156768
ISBN-13: 978-1620156766
ASIN: B00S0APRI2
Purchase: Amazon

Book Summary:
If You Want Unicorns and Rainbows, Go Somewhere Else

The Mancode: Exposed is a satirical essay collection about men and women, the mancode and chickspeak, sex and chocolate. Author Rachel Thompson holds the mirror up to family relationships, love and romance with a sharp eye and a keen sense of humor. This newest companion book to A Walk in the Snark is an Amazon Top 100 bestseller.

Title: A Walk in the Snark
Genre/Keywords: Non-fiction
Length: ebook: 155 pages * print: 160
Extras: Authorgraph
Publisher: 1st edition: Rachel Thompson
2nd editon: ebook: Booktrope * print: Booktrope Editions
Release date: 1st edition: January 23, 2011
2nd edition: January 8, 2015
ISBN-10: 1620156482
ISBN-13: 978-1620156483
ASIN: B00S0APRL4
Purchase: Amazon

Book Summary:
A Walk in the Snark is author Rachel Thompson’s first satirical essay collection about relationships, marriage, chickspeak, sex and coffee. She dares to ask, “Why do men want to change the world but can’t change a roll of toilet paper?” After decades (dear god) of marriage, Rachel’s keen insights into male and female behavior will keep you laughing with her. Please note that this is a book of satire, and not to be taken literally.

Writer Thoughts Thursday: Writer Anxieties

Every day I am, for a brief moment (thank goodness), plagued by anxieties about my career as an author. As a poet, it’s just beginning, but as a novelist, it’s stalled due to the closing of AEC Stellar Publishing, Inc., forcing When Stars Die to become an orphaned book. Along with these anxieties, jealousy briefly pricks a minute hole in my heart.

I am not bitter that AEC Stellar Publishing, Inc. had to close its doors. What I hate is that my novel has yet to find a home, despite every publisher I’ve sent it to requesting a full, then rejecting it. It’s like holding out a bag of Swedish Fish to me, then yanking it away. I received an acceptance–finally!–but the contract fell through, which was very unfortunate. Yes, my novel is with a publisher who allowed me to skip the entire process, which looks promising, but it’s still part of the waiting game I wish I no longer had to play. It’s been four months since I requested my rights back and my book removed from all retail sites. Other AEC authors decided to self-publish their books, and one received a contract from a publisher about two months ago. This is where jealousy pricks my heart and makes me wonder when or if my book will ever find a new home. I hope the publisher it’s with will take it. I sense promise, but I also cannot presume anything, just because the publisher took charge of the book instead of the acquisitions editor, who is actually the one who rejects or accepts a book.

It’s especially difficult when you detail the journey of your book, and when you talk about your rejections, those who have read and loved your book reassure you that your book will find a home–and then you wonder. It isn’t enough to have a decent amount of ratings on Goodreads with an overall good rating; the publisher still has to love your book to want to work with it. So this is just a lesson that you’re always in the same boat as unpublished authors. Always. Unless you’re Stephen King or some other massively popular author.

Unfortunately, rejection is part of the game. To me, it’s simply harder when you have two houses who wanted your book, one it was published with and another that didn’t work out. I would feel differently if When Stars Die had never been published, but I don’t, so I feel like the waiting game is much more agonizing than it is for unpublished authors. It’s especially agonizing, as my options for publishers are limited since not every one will take on a previously published book. I am exceptionally grateful for those that do. All beautiful, well-loved books deserve a second chance. I also keep in mind that publishers who accept books are probably just as anxious for writers to accept their contracts as the authors are for waiting to hear back from a publisher.

Luckily, I am keeping busy by writing, so it’s not as if I’m sitting around doing absolutely nothing. I’ve finished the revisions for 39 poems I’m including in my collection. I have chapter one outlined for the novella that will begin this collection. I have two places in mind to submit it to. I have two poems being published and appearing May 2nd. I’m also slowly copy editing a finished novel with two publishers–thus far–in mind to submit it to, though one publisher doesn’t want simultaneous submissions, so that will be my first publisher of choice. Reading helps, too, and I have been reading plenty of novels and poetry.

All I can do is keep carrying on. No matter what happens, When Stars Die will see itself back in print. I will not let The Stars Trilogy die.

Happy News Saturday

I’ve decided Saturday is going to be a surprise article so that way I, and you, Stars, can have a surprise from me at least once a week. It’ll be anything goes. Thus, today I have some good news to reveal. I have two poems being published in an online e-zine called Sleeve. The platform being used is Tumblr. One poem is titled, “Girls Must Be Dolls,” and another is titled, “Curse.” Both will be in the poetry chapbook I spoke of in a previous post. They will include gorgeous art with them from Creative Commons, edited by me using iPiccy.

I was approached by its founder, by the way. No details beyond that. 😉

As for the poetry chapbook, I’ve decided I’m going to start with fictional diary entries, just to make it different, so it’ll be mixed media, basically. Thus, I’m not sure if it could be deemed a chapbook so much as an anthology or collection, I suppose. Needless to say, this puts me back in the publishing game. When Stars Die is still with Zara Moore Kramer, Pandamoon’s founder/publisher, so I’m hoping good things with that since I was able to skip an entire process at her behest, but we can’t skyrocket hopes, lest we end up in utter despair. I’m trying to remain realistic, but it’s hard not to be hopeful, too. I guess you can say I’m in a thick fog, but I can see through it, right now. That’s the best way to describe how I’m feeling about my novel being in their hands while I wait. I know they will treat it well. Hopefully I’ll hear back this coming week.

Speaking of this week, I’m starting back work, though no more than 15 hours since that vitamin b12 shot has made me feel much, much better. If work goes well, I can slowly build up back to my 30 hours a week. God knows I need the money, or else I’ll either have to pay per class for the ballet summer intensive, or just take the second part of it. I cannot go an entire summer without ballet. That is pure madness.

Also, I usually don’t ask this of anyone, but re-blogs would be much appreciated to spread the word. Thank you!

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Writer Thoughts Thursday: Poetry Chapbook

This post isn’t advice on how to create a poetry chapbook. Heck, I just completed my first one with 36 poems, and I’m not a heavy writer of poetry, though I tend to write poetically in my novels in some cases; however, I will be submitting it after some serious revisions. Rather, this is me discussing what this poetry chapbook means to me and why I wrote it. In fact, the logo on this blog is the title of what I want to be the first poem in it.

My life has been a snowball effect. At times I have been deeply happy, and other times I have been deeply depressed because I think too much and sometimes too little. If you’ve ever read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, you’ll know what I’m talking about in relations to Charlie’s character, because his past is similar to what happened to me in September.These two binaries are so conflicting. I want to be deeply happy. My loving, incredible parents want that for me as well. I’ve never really praised my parents on my blog, just because what I write on here never warranted it. They do read it. Sometimes they express concern over what I’ve written, but oftentimes I am highly aware they will read it. Writing is the best way for me to speak about what I feel, so some of write I write IS a message to them so we can sit and talk.

I am aware of how other parents take care of their children, just from simple Facebook statuses. My best friend’s mother is incredible when caring for her two autistic sons. She doesn’t define them by their autism. My best Canadian friend is raising her children to love the world and everyone in it–or so I get from her. I couldn’t ask for more incredible parents. They arguably spoil me. I soak in their wisdom and aspire to be like the both of them–chill and satisfied–and they’re my everything. They still give me birthday and Christmas presents, but I don’t need those things from them, though I appreciate them. All I need is them in my life. I don’t know if they know these things, how deeply my appreciation and love for them goes. They can’t unless they are me. They’re wonderful parents, and I hope those reading this have parents as wonderful as mine. I’m tearing up just writing this.

I’ll speak about my fiance in another post, hopefully soon. He’s another, incredibly important person in my life whom I love with the very depths of my heart.

In any case, I want to talk about my chapbook. I do plan to write a preface for it. Mariah is writing a foreward. I also want to write an essay that will take place at the end of the chapbook. There are so many things I want to say that poetry alone won’t convey. I also want to see about writing a short story for it. I want to add stock photo pictures. Rachel Thompson’s book Broken Pieces was an enormous inspiration for this chapbook because she suffered sexual abuse as a child. Though I didn’t suffer as a child, I might as well been a child, as this man was old enough to be my father, even though I saw him as a brother I needed in my life. I have my real brother back, though. We may not talk much, but for the first time in my life, I can say I’ve truly connected with him in ways I am unable to express. To be honest, I’m just shy around him because he’s been out of my life for so long. But this doesn’t mean I won’t do things with him and his wife and son, who is a beautiful boy whom I can’t wait to see grow into an incredible young man. And he will because my brother is an excellent father. He makes mistakes, but what parent doesn’t?

I’ve titled this chapbook Pretty Girl, Unravel Me. There are poems speaking about beauty and how I often feel it is more of a hindrance than society realizes. There are poems speaking about sexual abuse. There are poems about suicide and self-harm. Then there are poems I’m not ready to mention, but poems I hope will be relevant when it comes time for me to cry out. I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to be rushed.

Oh, yes, Mariah says they need a lot of work, but they were drafts I sent her. I simply changed a few things before tossing it out there, but once she re-reads it and my best poet friend reads it and I make more changes, I plan to submit it to Gnome on Pig Productions. I hope they’ll enjoy it despite the dark material. There will be no hard feelings otherwise. They’re brand new, and I’ve been, *ahem,* essentially stalking them. I can tell they know what they are doing. In fact, they went to a convention to help sell an author’s book, and I think that’s great. I’ve always wanted a publisher that does this. It shows they know how to extend their reach. I’m impressed. They’re growing fast.

Yeah, yeah, you should sit back and wait to see how a publisher does, but a publisher ALWAYS needs a first book to take off. Poetry is a hard sell anyway, but I hope through them it will flourish. Even if it doesn’t for whatever reason, I think it’s easier to deal with a self-published poetry chapbook than a novel anyway.

When Stars Die is also with Pandamoon Publishing. I didn’t want to mention anything, but I was able to bypass the entire process and send the book straight to the publisher. That’s all I’m going to mention for now. They’ve been on my list for quite some time. They’ve had their skin in the game for slightly more than two years, and they don’t seem like they’ll be closing their doors any time soon. I’ve stalked them as well and LOVE what I see. I’ve bought two books from them.

I wrote this chapbook because I knew it was time for me to get my feelings out there that a memoir can’t express. I believe poetry is the most expressive, most hard-hitting form of writing out there. Because a poem is short, the feelings it evokes hit you a lot faster than something like a novel will. This isn’t putting down novels at all. After all, I will ALWAYS be a novelist first and foremost.

This chapbook is my first, true experience with delving into poetry. Oh, certainly I’ve written poetry before, but I never sought publication with them. I know with a lot of chapbooks the poetry contained within has been published with other places, which gives these writers a leg up, but I care not to wait ten million years for the 36 poems I’ve written to be published elsewhere, especially because a lot of journals want full rights for about three months. No, no, and no. All of these poems have a cohesive theme that can be divided up into three parts. The connecting theme is about women who have been abused in some way, whether by their own minds or some external forces. They are thoughts coming primarily from me.

I want men to read it. This chapbook may seem like an attack on them–at least I hope it isn’t. But I WANT them to think, “Not all men are like this.” I truly do. This is a valid thought. Their feelings are valid, and I want them to have that response so I can listen to them and why they feel that way. Heck, it could create a poetry chapbook celebrating men from a woman’s perspective! I think a lot of men would appreciate that, I hope. From what I’ve seen of feminism, SOME feminists tend to ignore men’s concerns. Men say that for a reason, and that reason ALWAYS goes unanswered. That thought is painted as selfish, as “this isn’t about you!” How can it be, though? We’re being selfish by brushing it off as a selfish thought. So this chapbook is written for them as well. It’s a stretch, but I want their responses in blog posts, in book reviews, and so on and so forth.

I’ll admit to being afraid of men I sense–maybe wrongly–don’t have good intentions. Unfortunately, this is a lot of them, but this doesn’t mean I’m going to avoid a well-intentioned, intellectual conversation with them. After all, I have an incredible man I am friends with at work. He’s a weekend warrior, always wandering the mall, and we have wonderful conversations. He’ll comment on how pretty I am, which I appreciate, but that isn’t the only thing about me he’s interested in–as a person, nothing beyond that. Same with my fiance and other men I personally know in my life. It’s just strangers I’m wary of, especially older men who don’t have filters when “complimenting” women they deem beautiful.

This chapbook expresses all of me, conveys that I can be deeply unhappy–but I’m not bitter. I’m grappling with this unhappiness I can’t even paint with words. It’s not bipolar depression. It’s situational depression about the direction my life has taken. Oftentimes I wonder if I’ll get that life back, the old me–and that is what is saddest. I feel I’ve been changed for the worst. Nighttime strikes me the hardest for unexplainable reasons. I may have to buy a nightlight. That might help.

The dream I’ve had for my job no longer exists, though I do plan to stay. My degree means little to me now, though I still try hard and want those A’s. This isn’t to say my classes are unfulfilling. They’re very fulfilling. I feel like I’ll never be able to hold down a normal, “adult” job anyway. My body, no matter what chemicals are being injected into me, simply can’t handle the stress of jobs my college-graduated friends have. This is why I’ve dropped being a teacher, working at a publishing house, even just working at a magazine or a newspaper.

I will tell you I’m not better. I’m really not as far as my existence goes, I guess. Yet, I’m not always depressed. I am simply easily triggered now. I’ve been beaten down. Sometimes I wonder if things will ever get better, or if things will just keep snowballing. Sometimes I wonder if I should just jump off this train called life and say, “Well, I’ve lived long enough. I’ve met my dreams. This life is just no longer for me.” It’s so sad to say this: unfortunately, I must keep plowing through, if not for myself, then for others. Yet, it is exhausting to live for others. Even so, if my existence changes people’s lives, then I’ll know my deep unhappiness isn’t a waste of space. I suppose it exists for a reason. Somebody has to live a sad existence, I guess. The chronically saddest people seem to create the most wonderful of things.

I hope people can grasp a sense of my true self from this chapbook, though a lot of the poems are very dark. It isn’t until you get to the last poem that there’s a little slice of hope and beauty when you’re not ready to turn on the light or see the sunrise.

The darkness isn’t innately frightening. It isn’t innately sad. One of the things I hate the most is when people think you can’t know the light without knowing the dark. Not everyone fights hard battles that follow them and warp them for the rest of their lives. We do lose loved ones to death, and that pain is incredibly real, but not everyone is burdened with a thing that can’t be fixed. To say so is a complete injustice for those who TRULY need help to get through life, people who can fully never be independent. Full independence frightens me, makes me sick to my stomach. But people know what happiness feels like. Our brain chemicals dictate so. We don’t need sadness to understand happiness. We will experience sadness, of course. It’s unavoidable. Yet, it’s silly to say, “I wouldn’t know true happiness without the sadness in my life.” I don’t like the sadness in my life. I don’t appreciate it at all. I’m not grateful for it. I’m grateful for all of my happy times, because I can fully give myself to the world. I can’t when I’m in pain. Again, I’m not bitter about my pain. I’m simply being real.

I do experiences happiness. Yet, I’ve lately experience more pain than anything else. In fact, while scrolling through my Facebook feed, I wish the worst thing I could complain about was horrendous cravings that kept me up all night, and that I went out and bought cake to sate them (true status).

I simply have no more control in my life. It seems it will never come back. No amount of soothing words will change this. And I love myself, but not life itself.

Writing Thoughts: Interpretations

Currently I’m working on a poetry chapbook centered on a common theme that pulls in bits and pieces of what’s been going on in my life. For me, it’s emotional purging, but I also plan to seek publication for it as well.

Last week I wrote a poem and put it on this blog; however, I took it down because this poem is included in the poetry chapbook. But there are a few words in the poem that read, “vile, like men,/hot fingers ready to brand their prey.”

This isn’t me wanting to talk about sexism and social justice issues. I want to talk about interpretation, and why a writer’s intentions aren’t important. My intention with that line was both to alert men AND poke fun at some aspects of feminism. I wanted the line to alarm men so they could think that they aren’t that way, that I’m sweeping a broad brush across all men. I also wanted to slam parts of feminism that make men feel this way, then invalidate those mens’ feelings by calling them selfish. After all, feminism is notorious for sweeping dirty floors with a broad brush. So those were my intentions with what I’d written. No one lambasted me about those lines, by the way. One of my followers simply asked a harmless question that reminded me that my intentions don’t matter. This goes for any type of writing, but I think it’s far more crucial with poetry, as poetry opens itself up for more interpretation due to the nature of how poetry must be written to separate it from a short story or novel or whatever.

Some elite writers out there will tell you that the best writing causes people to come up with the same interpretation, but that is a ridiculous notion. The best writing allows many interpretations, many discussions that can transcend generations. For example, I’ve taken literature classes with students who have analyzed things the professor could never even think of. These were good analyses with valid points. Usually what we read was from authors already deceased. Yet, some professors will tell us, “You can’t know what the poet was thinking because that poet is not alive for you to ask.”

Does this matter, though? No, it doesn’t. Once the poem is out there for everyone to read, the poem no longer belongs to you. The poem belongs to everyone to dissect and analyze as they please. With the words from the poem I mentioned above, you’ve probably gathered your own interpretation before I even spoke about what I meant. Hopefully your thoughts were different. Differing thoughts spark conversations that may never have been held about a piece of writing. These conversations can affect a change among people, be it good or bad.

Writing has saved lives because of different conclusions. Someone who has had cancer is going to read John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars differently than someone who has never had cancer. It’s the same with every piece of writing in existence. Life experiences shape the conclusions people make about a piece of writing. This is what makes great literature.

Here is a poem that drew many conclusions from a poetry class I took last quarter:

“The Red Wheelbarrow” by William Carlos Williams

“so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.”

The biggest question often asked about this poem is, “What depends upon the red wheelbarrow?”

A lot can depend on that red wheelbarrow. You need a wheelbarrow to move around stacks of wood. You need a wheelbarrow to shovel hay or manure in it. You need a wheelbarrow for a lot of things. This was the interpretation I had when I first read it as a senior in high school. I still think it’s a valid one. After all, A LOT does depend upon a wheelbarrow. Yet, there is one interpretation academia often wants you to draw from it. The poem is one sentence, so the poem itself depends upon each word, each line, each stanza, in order to complete the entire sentence. The poem basically depends upon itself to be complete. This is a valid conclusion, too. Who knows how many other interpretations out there readers have gleaned from this? Hopefully many.

Thus, your intentions for writing what you did don’t matter. Readers’ experiences are going to shape how they read a particular thing, so it’s silly to even try to sway readers toward what you yourself meant when you write something. All you can do is hold that conversation and hope it deepens the discussion of what you’ve written. This isn’t to say you don’t need intentions when you write. This is to say that you shouldn’t expect everyone else is going to read your poem the same way. After all, without intentions, you can’t even write.

Blog Schedule

I am finally going to get on a true schedule from now on for my blogging. Here’s what you can expect:

Monday: picture quote from When Stars Die.

Tuesday: serious topic on an issue relating to my personal life.

Wednesday: three songs that have inspired me as an author.

Thursday: a writing-related piece, whether it’s my thoughts on writing or even a book I loved or disliked.

Friday: this one’s a strange one, but since I love fashion and make-up, I’ve decided to dedicate a day blogging about my favorite fashions and critiquing make-up I loved or didn’t love–it is a facet of me, after all.

Saturday: a poem.

Sunday: guest blog post.

So this is the weekly agenda from now on. Expect a post later today on three songs that have inspired me.

Also, since I am wanting to do a guest blog post every Sunday, if you are interested, please e-mail me. I want the post to relate to my blog somehow, so send me a short summary of what you’d like to write about. It will also be on a first come, first serve basis. E-mail me at thedancingwriter@gmail.com

Thank you!

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Cover Reveal: Mariah E. Wilson’s We Walk Alone

Yes, my PA is having a collection of poetry published by WAMM! I hope you all will add it to Goodreads.

Title: We Walk Alone
Author: Mariah E. Wilson
Publisher: Writers AMuse Me Publishing
Release Date: TBA

Links:

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Goodreads
Writers AMuse Me Publishing

Blurb:

The poems in We Walk Alone examine the journey we take in our head. It’s about the struggle to connect with people and the world around us.

 

Writing the Stars, a New Forum for Writers

My Tumblr followers (now 1700 and counting!) have inspired me to start a writing forum that has a less tense atmosphere than some of them do. It is still a platform for writers helping other writers–and me trying to play a large role in helping writers–but I do not want tension in this forum. I want it to be a friendly place to be for writers to feel comfortable asking questions and posting things for critique. There are no stupid questions in my forum.

It is called Writing the Stars, and I hope many of you who read this post will consider joining it. Membership growth is slow, but I am hoping it will pick up the more people join. Here is a screenshot to give you an idea of what this forum looks like. There are far more boards than what is presented. There are boards where you can talk about books, critique each other’s writing in various genres, like paranormal, short stories, flash fiction, poetry, and the like; a general discussions board, where you can talk about whatever you want; a board for personal problems (so similar to a ranting board); one where you can talk about successes in your life, big or small; boards on literary agents, traditional publishing, and self-publishing; social media so you can connect with others; literary magazines; a board for young writers; contracts; writing and grammar tips; and you can even suggest improvements for the forum. I hope to see you there!