Trapped in the Bell Jar

Trapped in the Bell Jar

Unfortunately in people with mental illness, this is almost impossible to do.
Unfortunately in people with mental illness, this is almost impossible to do, not the words part, but the mood-changing part.

Stars, I am having one heck of a time trying to get myself together. You wouldn’t think I’m a wreck because I’m still doing what I’ve always done instead of letting myself get shot in the trenches of my mind (which is a metaphor I use in “I Am the Bell Jar”), but I’m a serious wreck on the inside. I’m angry all the time, I don’t want anything to do with people at all, and all I want to do is stay in bed and not go to school or work or have anything to do with anything that involves forced interaction. I skipped out on ballet yesterday because I just didn’t want to go. I mean, I know it’ll make me feel better, and rationally I know I love it, but forcing myself to go all the time is emotionally exhausting. Forcing myself to do anything when I’m like this is emotionally exhausting.

I haven’t been writing much in When Stars Rise either. I’ll write in it here and there, but not as consistently, probably because I know putting more work on myself is just going to make me angrier. And it’s not even that I’m doing a whole lot. I’m only taking 9 credit hours this semester and only working about 8-10 hours per week (although this week I’m doing 14, which honestly makes me angrier, but some extra money won’t hurt either, especially because I didn’t have class Monday). It’s like exerting any little bit of energy just makes me angrier and angrier. My anger nearly got the best of me at work Monday because some woman came by, looked at my co-worker and I really funny and wouldn’t stop staring at us, and I called her the b-word to my co-worker when she walked away. She then came back and asked us for the number to the office, and I was terrified that she overheard what I said and was going to call me in. But that wasn’t it at all. She just wanted to inquire about a product or whatever. I know I shouldn’t have said what I said, but any little thing is just setting me off. However, I can’t afford to just take a sojourn from work when I need the money for ballet.

I can’t even care about school. I’m doing my work, yes. I’ve done and read all the research for a paper I’m going to start. I’ve done my geography study guide. I’m doing the reading I’m supposed to do, but I’m very detached from it all, like I don’t care what the outcome of all of it is.

I’m just tired of it all.

And then there is the matter of my meds. My Abilify was boosted, but I don’t notice any changes. My pdoc then wants to wean me off all the meds I’m currently on and have me just on Lamictal because it’s supposed to be this great med for bipolar. But I’m terrified that it won’t work. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of ‘what-ifs’ but it’s so easy for people to say that when they’re not the ones affected by it. I mean, upping my Abilify doesn’t seem to have worked. It took less than a week for Abilify to originally work, and now it’s been a week and I don’t notice any changes. I’m still angry and still depressed. And maybe I am angry for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason is.

But it’s not all bad. I did a guest post and an interview. When Stars Die has 5 stars on Goodreads so far, even though I don’t have that many ratings. And “I Am the Bell Jar” is ready for publication in AEC Stellar’s upcoming anthology. But to be honest, all this social media stuff is exhausting too because it is so difficult for me to find people who will interview me or let me do guest posts. I’ve contacted well-known blogs about doing an interview, but it’s been over a week, and NONE of them have gotten back, and I must have contacted over 20 bloggers. I just want to give up because I can’t do this on my own. I really can’t. But then maybe I’m not in my right mind to be saying that. I don’t know.