All Writers Must Rest

I definitely do this for my cat.

Tomorrow I’m taking a break from blogging and social media in general. I’ll probably write an epilogue for When Stars Die, but that is as work-y as things will get. I’m also going to finish a gothic-ish design of When Stars Die’s MC Amelia that I’d love to have on a shirt. The drawing itself sucks, but the paint will totally make it come alive. I’m also hoping to receive a certain item that I can use for a new, better cover design for When Stars Die.

So I’m not exactly taking a break, but I do need one from social media because it can be hectic and trying. Plus, I have 80 followers, so I’ve earned a rest from it. In any case, any kind of art is therapeutic for me and not really work like social media is.

All of us as writers need to rest once in a while and get away from things that start to feel like work to us. Social media is one such thing for me. I don’t want to burn out on it, so I’m disconnecting myself entirely tomorrow. Instead of doing social media during lulls at my job, I’ll be reading or writing. I need to finish a certain book anyway so I can do a review of it and put it here.

Burnout in our line of work is common. Burnout happened to me last summer. It wasn’t just the depression that made me not want to write–it was total burnout. I obsessively write and edit for a long period of time, then go for half a year not doing any kind of writing because I’m so drained from it. My dad is always warning me even our passions can drain us, and he has never lied to me. He’s too right.

Now that I have a contract, it is crucial I don’t experience burnout, so I’m going to allow myself rest. It’s even more imperative considering I’m dealing with fibromyalgia and just got over a bipolar depressive episode. I’m doing my best to learn to not obsess over things. My therapist is helping me too through weekly goals. Not obsessing is one of them. I do find myself obsessing with stats on my website, so I’m pulling myself away and am going to try to train my brain not to worry about stats and just blog and read others’ blogs when I come back Saturday.

I used to be so fast with my life, so set on the future and reaching my goals as fast as possible. If I have learned anything from fibro and depression is that it is okay to slow life down and save the future for another time. So I am slowing down, breathing in, breathing out, and am going to relax with some art tomorrow with no worries about social media: e-mails, my website, blogging, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, ect. We all know social media is important, but we all know how draining and trying it can be.

Slow down. Take a break when you feel your nerves becoming frazzled. It’s okay. We’re human and we’re not meant to go, go, go! I’ll see you all Saturday!

The Other Side of Depressed

For the past few days I have been having to remind myself that I’m not manic. When you’re bipolar and you start to feel great, you often have worries that you’re becoming manic because you’re not used to being in between. So when you start feeling great (and sometimes it’s not gradual), you have to take a step back and examine symptoms of mania with your normal mood.

Yesterday at work I was so confident, outgoing, and competitive that I had to wonder if mania was fueling the heat in my veins. But my thoughts weren’t fast, my brain wasn’t telling me to “Go! Go! Go!”, I didn’t have thoughts of reckless behavior, I didn’t have psychomotor agitation, I wasn’t over excited, and I wasn’t overindulging myself in my work.

I am a naturally hyperthermic person, I have come to realize. According to psychology, hyperthermia is a step below hypomania, which probably explains why even a small dose of an antidepressant or even an atypical antidepressant makes me either hypomanic or manic. I am a naturally driven person. I am naturally optimistic and sociable. But after everything that has happened, I am much stronger.

Bipolar disorder has taught me a lot. I am not romanticizing this illness, but I might as well make the best of an overwhelming illness. I am a much more thoughtful, sensitive person. Mania can remind me that my life can be great–just not to such an extreme degree. Being able to compare my current thoughts to my depressive thoughts makes me realize I am a much more confident, caring person. Yesterday at work I gave up my coat to a co-worker who was barely dressed for the occasion. Certainly I was cold, but she probably would have started crying with how she was dressed. I also don’t smile and bare things anymore that I don’t need to tolerate. My co-worker was playfully criticizing the way I tried to get people over for the drawing, and I just said, with confidence, not meanness, that I’ve been at it for more than 6 months and my method works with my personality. I don’t want to add a Southern drawl to my words when that is not me. And I was proud. Before I probably would have just done it to appease, but no more.

I work today at 12. I woke up just before 9. No longer am I thinking I don’t want to get up because everything feels pointless. I am waking up, and even though I am still tired when my mind shakes me awake, my thoughts are positive. They are not irritable, grouchy, upset, despairing, or hopeless. I am also appreciating the fact that I am alive when my mind tried too many times to count to kill me. I have a joie de vivre, joy of life. It’s so surprising to me how extreme I can become. I go from hating life to loving life so much I am grateful I have never even attempted suicide.

But there is the fear of becoming depressed again because of how I am right now. Why would I want to go back to feeling suicidal, hopeless, angry, hateful of myself? It’s hard to accept there is a possibility of that happening again. I was terrified it was happening yesterday, until I realized my anxiety was doing it to me–for no reason. I might need meds to help with the anxiety side of things, but I also know getting up and doing things helps it. And caffeine. But I’m no addict, I swear.

It is nice to be able to enjoy this life again.

In any case, today promises to be a good day. I will work hard at work to make extra money for a few surprises, I will come home and proofread my novel, I will possibly watch Naruto with the fiancé, and I will come home and blog again, possibly proofread some more, and go to bed for the surprises of tomorrow.

The Exhausting End is Here

This is unfortunately true. But my bright smiles are hopefully real now, and I truly am willing to help those who need it.

Stars, I’m actually waking up three hours early! Instead of 12 or 1 o’clock, I’m waking up around 8:30 or 9:00. This is either because I have a reason now, or I’ve found the right medicinal cocktail. My therapist and I think it is the latter because yesterday was the first time I wasn’t irritable in the morning, I wasn’t tired at all throughout the day (until night, obviously), I didn’t feel depression trying to drag me down, I was able to eat more and not feel cramped in my stomach, and I was able to just bask on Cloud 9. I don’t think it’s because of the super incredible news I received. I mean, I sobbed when I found out I was in the recital (tears of joy), but I still felt depression stalking me. I don’t feel it stalking me. I don’t feel its dark shadow.

I think I’m still fighting anxiety a little, just the anxious feelings that come on for no reason, but there aren’t any anxious thoughts accompanying the feelings. They’re just there for whatever reason, and, for me, I’d frankly prefer anxious feelings with no anxious thoughts over depression with anxious thoughts any time. Sure, it’s still uncomfortable, but I’m not snappish and irritable now. Usually talking with my parents irritates me, but now I find myself speaking with them without that irritability present.

In any case, yesterday was the first time I felt fantastic since being manic. But I’m not manic–I think I’m finally happy. It’s odd, too, because I’m on 2 mg of Abilify (this is a child’s dose. I’m 22) and have only been on it for six days. I’m 5 ft. 5, 114 lbs, and have a small frame. I also have a fast metabolism, which is why Seroquel doesn’t give me the munchies, for those who understand medications. So perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that the Abilify is working.

I’m going to admit it’s wretched that my mind is totally dependent on pills to balance it, mostly because all pills have the potential for serious side effects, but for now, I’m just going to be grateful I’m balanced out. Depression has had me trapped for almost two years and now I’m finally seeing the light again. I’m excited about life. I want to go back to work and be sociable so I can make appts., which turn to sales, which means commission and demo money for me along with my minimum wage. I am even picking my hours back up–just for the summer. During the school year, I won’t do more than 12.

It’s just such a relief to be breathing now, when I’ve been holding my breath for so long. Therapy helps too. As well as positive thinking.

I know there is a possibility of me becoming depressed again (or even manic) because bipolar disorder is often a lifelong illness. But I won’t think about that. For now, I will enjoy the life that I have and appreciate the small things that I never appreciated before all of this. I will even think about Emilie Autumn who is currently kicking bipolar’s butt and being fabulous all the while.