The Great Things About Being Asexual

A Facebook friend of mine posted this article (The 9 Best Things About Being Bisexual) on her FB page because it is LGBTQ+ Pride month, and so I decided to do one for asexuals, because this blog does need some lightheartedness, especially because it is Pride month! I know my past two posts have been negative in the face of this month, but I hope this one will provide some giggles.

1. The power of invisibility. Because you’re invisible, you can use your powers of invisibility to pull down people’s pants, rob banks, sever the heads of your enemies with a pack of Ace cards you summon from out of nowhere, and generally be all-around awesome, because you’re invisible, and you can do whatever the heck you want. Or, you know, you can promote world peace by getting rid of those who oppose it by severing their heads with your pack of Ace cards.
2. Cheating at poker. Because you’re Ace, you have the power to summon a pack of Aces and win poker every time you play. Las Vegas is in your future.
3. Asexual reproduction. Being asexual allows you to reproduce asexually, so you can have a second person to help you rob a bank–or promote world peace or something.
4. Cake. You get all of the cake. You have the power of making cake with your Ace powers. Cake. Cake. Cake. Need I say more? (Origin of cake joke.)
5. You’re a special snowflake.  Snowflakes are pretty. It’s not every day you can tell someone you’re a snowflake and they’ll believe you.
6. You don’t have one identity. You can have many! Your Ace superpowers allow you to be aro, hetero, homo, bi, or pan (and perhaps a few other romantic (or non) orientations). You aren’t just asexual! No one will ever discover your true identity.
7. No fucks given. Pardon the language, but as an Ace, you don’t have to give a fuck about anything!
8. Panromantic asexuals. They can be pancakes.
9. Back to asexual reproduction. You can save the human race by splitting your genetic code in half.
10. Pirate asexual. Not only do you not care about pirate booty, but you’re immune to sirens and mermaids. Get pillaging! ARGH!
11. You can promote world peace. Because you’re not strapped down by carnal desires, you can get to that promoting world peace thing that everyone else seems t0o busy for. (Seriously, some Aces do think they are superior to sexual people because they aren’t “inhibited” by sexual desires.)
12. (Stealing from the Cosmos article) You’re revolutionary. With your Ace superpowers, you can beat down people who suggest asexuality isn’t a thing. This makes you a revolutionary. This makes you a part of history.
13. The Ace Flag. It’s cool, okay? It’s got black, gray, white, and purple, great colors that go well together. You can also get cake in these colors. And cats. Definitely cats.
14. (Stealing from Cosmos again) Superpowers! You have the ability to know you can’t assume someone’s sexual (or romantic) preferences based on who they’re dating–or not. Because you’re also part of the LGBTQIA community, you can sometimes not assume people’s genders based on physical appearances alone.
15. You don’t care to do the do. Some of us still do the do, but if we never had to do the do again, we wouldn’t care. Less risk of pregnancy (if you’re a woman) and STDs. And chores. You already have to clean your house. Sex is just one chore you can permanently cross off your list of chores to do.
16. Enlightenment. You know love without sex can exist.
17. Lightbulbs. You never have to worry about changing lightbulbs.
18. A sexual. You’re a sexual what? Unicorn? Rainbow? Lizard? You can be all sorts of a-sexual things!
19. Baseball. Sometimes you don’t have to run any bases to score.
20. Cuddles. I’d slam you against the wall and cuddle you so hard.