I feel very emotionally compromised as I write this. Out of respect, I won’t go into details, but I’m hurting a lot right now, and I don’t want to hide this because I want to be the one author who is out in the open with all her followers. I don’t want to hide behind some guise of perfection. If I’m hurting, I want you guys to know so I don’t seem so elusive or out of reach. But, yes, my heart is killing me in ways it never has before. I’ve always been sensitive, but I used to be able to temporarily swallow problems and deal with them when they needed to be dealt with. Now I can’t do that, and I’m not sure why this is. Is it because I’m afraid of pain now because I’m so tired of hurting that when I do start hurting my brain goes into overdrive? I don’t know, but I woke up this morning wanting to cry and I still feel like I want to cry and I hate it. I hate hurting. I hate hurting this much because it’s now affecting my ability to get stuff done. For God’s sake, it’s my day off and I had stuff planned and I’m finding it hard to do and it makes me angry because I want to get this stuff done but I’m hurting. I’m not even hungry for anything, and my Abilify has given me a ridiculously healthy appetite, so much so that instead of gaining weight, I have lost it (I’m a tiny girl to begin with) because now I’m eating breakfast since I’m hungry for it and it’s jump-starting my already high metabolism.
This is the bad thing about being so sensitive: your emotions hit you really fast and all at once. You feel crippled by them and it’s so hard to stabilize yourself until the problem is resolved the way you want it to be. But, yes, this pain is too painful and I really just want to update on my writing life.
So in spite of this crippling hurt, I’m going to finish my Stolentime chapter. I may not be able to write another one, but I will finish the one I started yesterday. I also have 34 reviewers so far interested in reviewing When Stars Die and I am still seeking more. I will also start looking for blogs for a blog tour (and I will make my minion, my contract manager, contact them *evil laugh*). I’m also going to create a blogging schedule so I can get back into a routine with that because I know that you guys enjoy what I write. I’m also going to start planning a story in the Stars world, but with a completely different character and story. I’m going to put it on my blog and give you guys a taste of the Stars world.
I’m also craving social interaction with writers in my position. I mean personal interaction. It’s great meeting you guys online, but I am a social bug by nature. My writer’s group is great, but they need tips on publishing, how to find publishers, how to publish, not tips on pre-release sells or how authors can interact with audiences, and that’s what I need. Of course, I realize my position is now a special one because I can provide them with that advice, but I need other writers who are published or are getting published, and I have no clue where to even find that. I’m still staying with my writer’s group though because I love the write-ins, but I also know I need more. Perhaps doing readings and having a book release party will help.
My boss also wants to give me more work hours so I can start making sells (my job is a number’s game), but I can’t do that because blogging is part of my job as a writer now and being able to interact with you guys as well as being able to write and edit without so many hours weighing me down. I need my brain to function now.
But, yes, this is just a little bit of what I’ve been up to lately. I hope to have another blog post out tonight. I’ll try to push through.