My Constant Flow of Cheer

My Constant Flow of Cheer

This little thing right here is part of my optimism.
This little thing right here is part of my optimism.

Did I mention I am stable on meds now? I have no idea, but if I didn’t, now you know. My magical cocktail: Trileptal, Seroquel, and Abilify. The Trileptal controls the mania, the Seroquel does the same and helps me sleep, and the Abilify treats bipolar depression, which is so difficult to treat for most of us.

I can’t believe how happy I am now. I know it’s not because When Stars Die has a publishing contract because if that were the case, depression would still be breathing down my neck, and I’d know it. I wake up every morning, thinking, “When am I going to be not sleepy so I can live?” instead of, “I just want to sleep all day because everything feels stale and pointless.” It’s terrifying to know my brain chemicals are fully in charge of my mood–one blip, and I could wind up depressed all over again. But it’s beautiful to feel this way. I feel like an immensely different person: confident, driven, motivated, loving, sensitive, artistic.

For anyone who has ever suffered from a mental illness that took a while to treat, it truly is the little things that make a big difference. I have my appetite back. It was so strange feeling hungry for the first time in a long while. I couldn’t pin down the sensation until my stomach started growling ten thousand times. I’m also not tired all day long. I used to yawn hundreds of times each day, begging to go to bed so I could just sleep away everything. I have energy. I just want to do things all the time now and I view sleep as a hindrance to productivity–but I do sleep because I know I need it. If I were manic, I wouldn’t even care.

Because I have my appetite back, I no longer struggle with irritability and anxiety. I feel perfect, just cheery, optimistic, hopeful, ready to take on the day. When I was depressed, the fight didn’t feel like it was worth it to me, but now that I’m better, I realize the fight was definitely worth it, and I hope to remember this the next time I’m depressed. As my therapist says, “You are going to feel better because you always have felt better.”

And to think that it was just at the beginning of last week that I still struggled with suicidal ideation.

4 thoughts on “My Constant Flow of Cheer

  1. ((HUGS)) Welcome to the end of the tunnel friend. 😀 I knew I’d see you here. You’re strong, and brave and so many other wonderful things. I’m thrilled for you. 😀

  2. I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) and have been struggling to get my medications right. I recently had a hospital stay (which I blogged about). I love the Wordplayer’s Manifesto at the top and congratulations on getting a publisher for your book. I am also working on a novel, but it is slow going at the moment with the illness. It is great that you have found a cocktail to work for you.

  3. This is wonderful news, I’ve only just came across your blog after your sweet comment so I don’t know you’re entire story but regardless I can’t imagine how tough it must be to not only live with it but through sharing also. I’ve dealt with depression before, it’s a nasty b***. I’ve been pretty blessed that I’ve managed to claw myself outta that hole with a lot of help from some self help books hehehe! Huge congratulations about getting your book published. I was reading the posts prior and man you make it look so simple! I’ve been wanting to get something published for ages yet have physically taken to my laptop and started writing so you’ve also really inspired me to just start. Thanks.

    1. Awww! Thank you! Depression does suck, and even more so when it becomes a stupid cycle because you get manic and then you crash really hard because your brain goes in the lowest negatives. Writing the book was insane. I’ve had to go through five drafts to get it to where I wanted it, and then landing this contract was a lot of luck, I think, because it was really my first time submitting anything! But I like them because I still have control. But good luck and I’m glad I was an inspiration! 😀

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